-Not for me-

"Ben's Back!"

-I hate it when people call me that-

"Beeeeennnnn!"

-Ah yes, yes, back, and not for long. This is why I didn't come direct from work even though I could have. This is why I read in the park for almost an hour instead of hopping right into my place in the food bank volunteer assembly line, so well staffed in my absence by juvenile delinquents doing court-mandated community service.-

"Are you here to stay, or just leaving after dropping off?"

-Oh, right, the box of canned goods under my arms, the reason I had to show up at all, rather than blow off the whole thing in favor of a three-DVD set of Fawlty Towers reruns. John Cleese shares writing credit with then-wife Connie Booth, who plays the hotel chambermaid. On screen, Cleese's Basil Fawlty is paired with the more age-appropriate and comic Prunella Scales. Which made me think of the difference between A Fish Called Wanda, and Fierce Creatures, its erstwhile sequel. Many of the bit players in the earlier film returned for different roles, notably Archies' wife and daughter from A Fish Called Wanda becoming an older associate and peer, respectfully, in Fierce Creatures. Are women angry about this sort of thing? Maybe they should be.-

"Mr. Monk, I've got something to ask you."

-Oh, lord. Here it is.
The come on. All of the men working for the food bank that I've met so far who are over the age of twenty have been homosexual, just like all of the women working here over the age of fifteen are inevitably over the age of 50 and Baptist. It's enough to make you feel like you've just wandered into the wrong parish casting call.
Most of the men, I should point out, are subtle. Too-short fluorescent pink running pants no one notices until he gets up from sorting groceries over here. Or over there, the one that steps out of the racks of cast-off clothing to ogle a 17 year old juvenile delinquent's hindquarters.
Like I said, subtle.
And now the muscular grande dame of them all, he that sings my name instead of saying it, who makes no less than five Baptist faces wince and peek fearfully to see if the juvies understand; he has something to tell me. To ask me. Oh, I can't wait, and I can't easily make eye contact, either. Can't keep a straight face if he asks me out. Have to.-

"Are you seeing anyone?"

-Holy Christ, he's really going for broke, isn't he, and right in front of his boss and coworkers. I think my mouth just said 'no.' How did my mouth just say 'no?' Disgusted? Casual? Hesitant?-

"Let's step outside for a minute."

-Come to think of it, it might have said 'nope.'-

"Now, I see you coming in here, and I think, that's a good-looking guy..."
Thank you.
"..And I don't even know if you're straight!"

-I think my mouth just said 'straight.' I don't know, the rest of my face is trying too hard to be.-

"Great! Not for me, though. How would you like to meet my daughter?"

-Come again?-