-Solitary Tonsure-

Imagine my relief, to learn that my officemates merely wanted me to be complicit with Canon Law. I have thick hair, and it grows quickly; once this assignment is over it should return in a week's time.

That was Thursday. The workday on Friday was every bit as exciting; the staff dwindled throughout the day like the North Korean nuclear negotiation team, until the light at my desk was the only one on the floor. Other staffers of greater or lesser importance still wandered about, but infrequently.

The big man called at 4 PM, ostensibly to inquire about a proof. Off-off-Broadway music played in the background. Before hanging up, he said something odd.

"Say...You think you could cover for me?"

That's how I find myself finishing out the day; sitting in the easy chair in his office looking out over the highway and the abandoned grain elevator. Feet on the desk, barking orders into the phone like James Cagney in "One, Two, Three" Great fun, really. Waved a cigar for emphasis. I was only sorry that I had just one hour at the wheel. Clearly, I had to make good use of this time by tackling the problems the big man didn't, using some of the most innovative Monk moxie available. My talking points are below.

Topics for Discussion:

1. Employees using I-tunes - harmless musical accompanyment, coded corporate espionage, or pacification drug? 2a. Office Romances - who's having them, and who's just leaning a bit too long on someone else's cubicle wall. 2b. Does tonsure rubbing consitute harrassment? 3a. How is the runed-inscribed table in the basement used? 3b. Can we outsource these activities? 3c. Can we at least post a warning sign that over the door that deters employees from eating danishes near the angry death's head in the center? 4. Um, why is there a file in the L drive titled "cooktemp" ?

Executive Decisions:

1. Everyone working in the building must play softball at least twice a week after work. Everybody plays at least one inning, and everybody bats. 2. "Casual Friday" has lost its luster, thanks to the relaxed dress code. "Excessively Dressy Friday" was suggested, but I think we'll go with "No Show Friday" instead. 3. As a company, we must take the lead in community service activities. On Saturday, we will minister to the fallen protesters and shovel police horse poo. Romances with cute protestors will be encouraged, since it is off company property and with non-employees. Romances with police horses are against company policy on or off the grounds. 4. We will start a consulting band.

Maybe they'll be so impressed that they'll ask me to stand in more often. If they do, I may even light this cigar.