-an HEIR to the HORNBOOK-

Greatest Hits and Missives
by Benedict Monk

Saturday, October 30, 2004

-I'm a believer-

More spiritual difficulties..

I am not a fan of shopping malls in general, and the density of the holiday crowds, the mercantile fervor, and the tackiness of the decorations only adds to my rancor. After today I must add a fourth equalizer to this system of psychological pain; ordinary instrumental shopping mall music hits my ear the same way a beatle did the last time I went fishing in the Poconos - full tilt into the funnel, and convulsing for the next hour.

This music sends shockwaves down the canal that the brain interprets as dangerous to the higher brain functions. It's bad enough.

Then our department store piped in Christian Rock. My skin did not split to reveal a reptilian body of gunmetal gray and sardonyx, but for a brief moment I thought it might. Has my faith gone that far?

Monday, October 25, 2004

-Preaching for Keeps-

We had no control over baptism. We couldn't raise our heads, much less an objection, when a blurry object wearing vestments trickled water down our foreheads to welcome us into a community of believers.

Later, I and others my age were given a second sacrement, the first one we would remember. This was the sacrement that charged the believer to confess his or her sins to a celestrial intecessor, the ordained priest.

This time I had a speaking part. I was reading.. was it the Gospel according to John, or Paul's Letter to the Corinthians? In any case, parents flanked their children in these exercises for reasons I never understood and would forever regret.

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, my father picked me up and carried me to the opposite podium, my mother a step behind. I remember the puzzled smiles of the celebrants. I remember freezing throughout the trip, knowing the passages I needed to read were getting farther and farther away. When he set me down, I moved to go back to the original podium, but my parents had seen that this one was empty and came belatedly to the right conclusion. My father lifted me again, and carried me back to the original podium, where I cleared my seven year old throat and read the passage on autopilot.

But the damage had already been done. Losing the will to walk, protest, or even lift my head had reset this spiritual clock to baptism. Therefore, I was seven years behind my peers in every major stage of spiritual growth, most notably the "no-faith" stage. I accept this as a matter of course, believing that a young person's belief system is no match for hormones, which may explain why young fanatics are so crazed, and why the old fanatics have so little trouble sending them off to die. I am no fanatic and probably never will be, but I wouldn't be surprised if I become one of those hunched creatures with obsolete clothing, mumbling pejorative about godless, immoral youth.

Today I wonder if I didn't mistake the process. Is it possible that one can go further from faith than that, to a place where hymns are a painful cacophony?

Saturday, October 23, 2004

-Doesn't Work-

"Is the Pope Catholic?"
"Does a bear shit in the woods?"
"Does Emmanuelle Beart perform naked?"

I tried the third one on my way out of the old movie theatre. Doesn't work.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

-The Two C's-

Cars and computers will be the death of me. It took five days and just shy of $900 dollars, but both automobile and laptop are ready to go out into the cruel world and get beat up again.

Sacrifices will have to be made; I will continue to lock and unlock the car from the passenger side, avoiding the high fee mechanics charge for taking apart the door. With the computer, I gave up my hard drive, losing short stories, not-so-short stories, embarrassing correspondence, and too many cover letters to count.

But I like to think I will emerge stronger, and with a new appreciation for my two machines. The world considers them obsolete, but again and again, car and computer gamely deliver above-average performances in the tasks I set.

Does it matter if you're the only car in the lot with a tape deck? Does it matter if you're the only computer running on a 266 MHz processor?

No, it does not. And it doesn't matter that your master spent that amount of money only because the money required to replace you is beyond his means.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

-Culture Shocker-

Twenty women of indeterminate middle age have gathered in my public library to discuss the work of a local writer who gives books away for free. I am there, too, since my writing class uses the same room, and the instructor's coterie hasn't finished trading contact information.

This gives me the opportunity to study the discussion group. I estimate the youngest to be in her late thirties, and the next youngest must be fifty. The average age is between fifty and sixty, and as I said before, all twenty are woman. One woman's husband is here, but he is sitting at a sidetable with his head between his hands. All are very Caucasian, which does not reflect the neighborhood. The author writes about the African experience in 60s Philadelphia.

This sounds like a slam; did I position those last two sentences to mock the grandmotherly assemblage, and draw attention to the futility of attempting to appreciate another culture's literature? To be honest, the thought did cross my mind, and how self-destructive would that be? My training included British, Classical, and Early American authors, but more than anyone else in that program, I favored Native American, Harlem-Renaissance and Jewish literature. So I've got no right to criticize these women for discussing a Black author's work without a single black person in the room, unless the University is willing to give all of that money back it accepted for allowing me to wrap my brain around the work of minority writers.

I've mocked Westerners who get too serious about "the Way," and would probably take camaraphillic celebrities to task for Kabballeh, if in fact, I cared a whit. But there is a wide chasm, not a fine line, between those who would make someone else's ideas into a fetish, and those who calmly lean back in discussion groups, as if to say:

"So.. Tell me about yourself."

Of course, it's very difficult to get started if all twenty participants lean back. Cue the librarian: She's the next-youngest person there, and she clearly did her homework. The first thirty minutes aren't really a discussion, it's her talking at us. She reads bios, reviews, and passes out fliers and information sheets about the next reading. The coming discussion clearly terrifies her the same way a high school student might dread their first frog dissection. Don't pass out, don't look into the frog's freakishly shaped pupils.

Before long my body language, and that of everyone else in the room, had the same effect as opening the doomed amphibian's jar. Pick up the ether, young lady, or get out of my classroom. She overcame her reluctance like the rest of us, and we clumsy readers made respectful fools of ourselves.

What surprised me most (I was, after all, an observer of retiree culture) was the admiration these women had for the male protagonist, an ex-jazz musician, loving father, but unfaithful husband. They did not approve of his infidelity, but accepted them as a minor flaw that makes his character more believable. This led to the only disagreement (lukewarm, at best) of the evening, when the youngest woman there commented that black culture was more accepting of infidelity.

It's a MALE thing, another woman countered. Men of all backgrounds do it. But if the women in the story sleep with anyone outside of their marriage - they are branded as whores forever.
Double standard, sniffed someone else.

Every head swiveled my way, and I reacted the same way Michael Moore did when they called him "a disingenuous filmmaker" at the RNC. Sorry, Benedict; the librarian laughs. I thought I detected a movement from the husband at the sidetable, but I'm not sure. Anyway, his support wasn't necessary, I knew what to do.

I stood up from the chair by the door, lifted my free copy of the novel, and gestured to it occasionally as I made my way to the dry erase board. Imagine the music swells as it did in 'Dead Poet's Society' or at least 'The Emperor's Club.'

And as I moved, I expounded.

"All of you have agreed that you identify strongly with Joe, more so than with Louise. This is not surprising; the author has given Joe a double-life, and both display more passion and interest than Louise can muster. Joe is a caring father, a responsible breadwinner, and a dynamic leader in his own community. Joe is also a jazz musician, and what happens to a dream deferred? The author expects us to imagine him that way even though the story opens a decade after he has ceased to play in the clubs. Part and parcel of her concept of a jazz musician filters through his memories of the horn, the gin, the women of the evening. Just as he sneaks down to the cellar to handle his tenor saxophone and conceals his subsequent performances from his wife, so too can we expect him to recapture his youth, however imperfectly, through promiscuity."

I paused to take stock of my audience - I still had their attention, but I knew better than to push my luck. Painfully stretching my fingers to palm the book, I delivered the conclusion.

"Joe cheats on his wife. Fact.
But the author makes excuses for him before, after, and during each encounter. He is still a caring father, a responsible breadwinner, and a dynamic leader in his own community. That he is also a promiscuous jazz musician only adds to his appeal - the author considers his adultery to be the character flaw that makes him believable, but it is merely the imprimatur of humanity on a female fantasy. Joe seduced her in the creative process, and bland, weaker, but infinitely more human female characters are the result of their affair.

Thank you."

That's the point where I walked out. Somehow, the applause I'd expected never came. Perhaps they needed time for it to sink in - but I won't know until the same time next week.

Monday, October 11, 2004

-Accidental Editing-

I'm working on a story entitled 'Accident Reports' for my writing class. Here's how it begins:

There is a blind turn just after the Matin county exit, an easy-to-miss right concealed by a jury-rigged bus shelter and a bridge supporting elevated railroad tracks.

If you haven’t missed the turn, you can make one of two choices; break frantically, and turn right again, this time into the rarely used South Matin station parking lot, or speed ahead and break frantically in a former travel agent’s gravel driveway. The former travel agent will be at home, but he never inhabits the garage and the room adjacent to the garage, because that's where the collisions take place.

After the crash, he will appear at your window and ask you if you are okay. If you are – most are – he will tell you his name is Nat, and let you use his phone to call the police, loved ones, your insurance company. You will notice how nonplused he is.

Nat makes you feel included when he smiles sadly about the Department of Transportation, whose poor planning got both of you into this mess. Emboldened by your shared victim-hood, you will ask him why he doesn’t move someplace safer.

“If I did, they would tear down this house.” He will say as he takes you to a porch overlooking a steep ravine. “There would be nothing here to catch you.”

Thursday, October 07, 2004

-Preventative Medicine-

Bird-shot is the only way to kick avian flu!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

-Unattended Bonfires-

Our local high school keeps the tennis courts lit at night. Every weeknight, local amateurs stake claim on the asphalt with racket covers, tennis baskets and occasionally, serving machines. My father and I are more amateur than most, but we find an open court and trade volleys with spent tennis balls. I'm the only one using a wooden tennis racket from the 60s.

Firefighters are stacking crates on the adjacent lawn. Students are arriving in threes, fours, and sometimes clusters of ten or more. What we first believed to be hose practice is actually a pyro-pep rally for the athletic teams; the band plays spirited riffs, accompanied by chants we cannot decipher. The flames peak roughly at the height the smallest cheerleader can be shot into the air.

Of course, it wouldn't be high school if upperclassman couples didn't sneak off into the treeline to grope each other under baggy shirts, or to shake their mandibles at the tennis players. Young people safely taunt us from the shadows near the courts. The same lights that reveal our courtly imperfections give them a sneaky anonymity.

As ten o'clock approaches, the crowds on and near the court disperse. My father and I are the last to leave. We notice that the fire is still burning unattended, burning so low it appears the coals have sprouted rust-colored cilia.