-Gray Mouse-

Fantastic.
I’ve gotten so good at observing unobserved, that it’s getting difficult to interact. Take tonight. It started with me sharing a lamp with a woman, the two of us working independent of each other for the better part of an hour. After a time, she put her sketchpad down, and I lowered my book a few minutes later.

It seemed silly and rude not to say anything, so I began a conversation that quickly evolved into me pulling teeth, and that was that. She left with the air of someone who has been affronted.

By itself, this is a small thing. Running into an acquaintance who asked me my name for the nth time still didn’t faze me, although some discussion of his forgetfulness did seem in order. He apologized, of course, as he does every time, and attempted to guess, never coming close. When finally I told him, he said he comes up with nicknames for people that stick even when their true names do not. He said the nickname for me would not be flattering, but I said, oh, let’s hear it anyway.

Gray Mouse.

In retrospect, I should have at least let him squirm over an explanation of the nickname’s meaning. But I offered a suggestion at first, which probably confirms the truth of it. Do I scurry about? Do I blend in? Seem small and insignificant? Yes, yes, and yes. It’s all about attitude, and mine belongs to a mouse.

As David Rakoff explains in ‘Fraud,’ the seat wasn’t taken. Not really.

I’m grateful for this knowledge. This is something that must be changed as soon as possible.